Some things are awkward to describe to those that were not there. A decade ago, I would have refused to protect people still living, but now most are dead.
What I will speak of is that I engaged at various points in gangs, interstate drug smuggling, arson, burglary and came closer than is prudent to joining the ranks of McVeigh and Kaczynski. It was after searing my conscience and recognizing that I was within a few years of death by cop, by gang or by life in prison that I chose the time, place and method of my death as a final act of defiance against the universe.
Let’s take a detour into the philosophy on the afterlife. (It is important to understand who I was to understand why the “Billy Graham” model of making a decision could never fit what actually happened.) I viewed any god or afterlife as a statistical improbability approaching zero percent. However, as one prepares to die, it becomes impossible to not consider the possibility that one is wrong (Pascal’s Wager in philosophical terms). My atheism was not born from “science” but from “The Problem of Evil”. Since most people are familiar with the arguments, I will only post the 4 possible conclusions:
- God is powerless to stop evil [no god]
- God is ignorant of evil [no god]
- God is too busy to stop evil [no god]
- God can stop evil and chooses not to [god is evil]
So the two basic conclusions are either there is no god, or god is evil. It was far easier to accept that there is no god than to redefine an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent evil creator. However, since I was planning to discover first hand whether there was an afterlife or not, I had to at least entertain the remote possibility that I would face the creator. In that case, I was forced to conclude that I deserved damnation. Hell would be the appropriate place for me … because in hell I would be with beings that hated our creator as much as I did. Any god that had the power to stop the evil and suffering and chose to do nothing about it was not deserving of worship … such an evil being should be opposed by all of its created beings. THAT is the definition of Hell.
Does this sound to anyone like someone that is “seeking god”?
The Charismatics shared their “Gospel” with me and unlike the lukewarm social Methodists that I had been exposed to as the child of “Submarine Christians” (surfacing twice a year at Easter and Christmas), the Charismatics had a genuine faith in their “invisible unicorn” (but needed their meds adjusted). It was after encountering them, as I neared completion of my “project”,
that God literally appeared to me and spoke to me [there was no vision, but you knew that you were in the presence of God … when the prophet says in scripture “I am undone, because I am a man of unclean lips and I dwell among a people of unclean lips” … I KNOW exactly how he felt.]. I would say I spoke with God, but it would be more accurate to say that God spoke and I listened. The message was not for public consumption … it was personal … but the gist was that effective immediately, I belonged to Him. Period. End of discussion.
As I said, I immediately quit the gang and the life and from that day to this, I belong to Him.
That cannot be reconciled with “prevenient grace” or a “free will decision” to follow. I was NOT seeking Him, when He claimed ownership of me. I started reading the Bible since I figured that I should probably read the manual and learn about this God that just claimed me.
So I LOVE Wesleyan Theology - I just cannot affirm it in my salvation.