AlwaysOnAJourney
Active member
Today I thought I should write this. Because I keep trying to come up with better and better ways to articulate why I think and feel the way I do. And why I think I need prayer for it.
You can't just tell people, "I asked Jesus to kill me". You have to present it in an understandable way.
In prayer, I have asked Jesus, and tried to reason with Jesus that it would be best if He took me out of this world.
I am sure there are people out there that have it worse than I do. I have learning, and memory problems. Those problems have caused me anxiety and obsession compulsion disorder. I try to mentally overcome my disability, and it usually makes me very tired. It also makes me worried about is going to happen to me, once my parents have gone home with the Lord. I know that I'm supposed to trust in the Lord, but it is hard. Most people I know, are smart enough to be able to handle life on there own. I have never been one of those, and yet in comparison to my peers, they have the most friends and the most help to get through. That never seemed fair to me.
Before anyone calls me selfish, I get tired of wrestling with my selfishness. I get tired of reminding myself that there are others that have it worse than me. Some say that is supposed to help put life into perspective, but it makes me feel shame. And that shame just makes me feel worse, and with those worse emotions, I function worse.
The bottom line is, I don't want to die, I want things to either get better, or I would like Jesus to take me heaven. I struggle to understand what my purpose is on this Earth. I feel that due to my mental disability I'm not helpful to others. Due to my work environment, and schedule and all the other things that I don't know how to name right now. I don't feel like I'm helpful to Jesus either.
I hope that this is clear enough for you to understand where I am coming from.
You can't just tell people, "I asked Jesus to kill me". You have to present it in an understandable way.
In prayer, I have asked Jesus, and tried to reason with Jesus that it would be best if He took me out of this world.
I am sure there are people out there that have it worse than I do. I have learning, and memory problems. Those problems have caused me anxiety and obsession compulsion disorder. I try to mentally overcome my disability, and it usually makes me very tired. It also makes me worried about is going to happen to me, once my parents have gone home with the Lord. I know that I'm supposed to trust in the Lord, but it is hard. Most people I know, are smart enough to be able to handle life on there own. I have never been one of those, and yet in comparison to my peers, they have the most friends and the most help to get through. That never seemed fair to me.
Before anyone calls me selfish, I get tired of wrestling with my selfishness. I get tired of reminding myself that there are others that have it worse than me. Some say that is supposed to help put life into perspective, but it makes me feel shame. And that shame just makes me feel worse, and with those worse emotions, I function worse.
The bottom line is, I don't want to die, I want things to either get better, or I would like Jesus to take me heaven. I struggle to understand what my purpose is on this Earth. I feel that due to my mental disability I'm not helpful to others. Due to my work environment, and schedule and all the other things that I don't know how to name right now. I don't feel like I'm helpful to Jesus either.
I hope that this is clear enough for you to understand where I am coming from.
